Hope, faith and gratefulness

My friend CJ sent her story below for my readers. I wanted to make sure she was comfortable sharing it, and she is. It is a story of hope, faith and gratefulness.

I will never forget her call three years ago with the news of her tragedy. I wept as CJ told me that she believed God had let her little angel slip to earth, and He needed Lauren back with him in Heaven. I am inspired by CJ. I know you will be too:

Motherhood - where does one begin? I was your typical DC graduate saying often - "Kids, sure they're cute, but I don't think they are for me." It was work, work, work, and in the few remaining hours left in the day, I would try to squeeze in some fun at one of DCs fine dining and drinking establishments.

Then it happened - marriage to my sweet man, Steven. Shortly after our wedding I started thinking that children could possibly add to our happiness, but maybe we should start with a dog. I mean, children are a massive responsibility. Maybe we should test-drive the dog first. If we do alright with him, then we can consider children. Thus, Otto joined our family in March 2002. Life was good.

Later that year, we decided to move back to my home state of Rhode Island. My father's health was taking a turn for the worse, and I wanted to ensure I had as much time with him as possible. We shared 6 months together before he passed away on July 6th, 2003. It was at this moment that I finally looked at Steve and said, "What are we waiting for? We will never have enough money, enough time, enough patience, enough knowledge to start having children, so we should just jump in and see what happens."

Like many couples, we thought how hard could getting pregnant really be. Well, after a year of trying, desperation set in. After so many years of avoiding getting pregnant, it was now the only thing that I wanted. So we started seeking our Dr's assistance, however right before we were going to start testing, I randomly took a pregnancy test. Low and behold the test turned out to be positive. Well, one test just wasn't enough, so I took 4 more, before I was convinced that I was pregnant.

My pregnancy was perfect. No morning sickness, no exhaustion, just complete bliss. On March 2, 2005 we gave birth to our little girl Lauren. The moment they placed Lauren in my arms my heart practically burst. The light bulb went off, and I realized "Aha, this is what it is all about." It was almost frightening how quickly I began loving this perfect little being. Our lives changed in a matter of minutes, and we were now responsible for this completely defenseless little person who simply stared up at me with these big beautiful eyes. I was hooked.

Life couldn't have been better. I quickly fell into the Motherhood routine - diapers, night feedings, playtime. The first smile, the first coo, the first time she ate rice cereal. Even when I had to return to work, I left each morning with the happy knowledge that I would be coming home to my beautiful little Lauren. I sped through the day, so that I could return to her.

Then on August 5th, 2005 the bottom fell out. In a split second, just as quickly as she entered our lives, she was gone. Lauren passed away to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, commonly known as SIDS. Our perfectly healthy baby girl was gone. It was at this time that I learned what being a Mother meant. When you give your heart completely to your child, you are opening yourself up to the most unimaginable pain when something happens to them. When the precious being that you created out of love with your husband is gone, your life, as you knew it, is forever ended.

When Lauren died, all I could think of was that I had to have another child. The love I had for her was too great, and I felt I had to share it with another child. I wanted her to have a brother or sister, so that her memory would live on in them. Another child could and would never replace her, but after experiencing the beauty of being her mother, I just had to hope that I would be able to continue to share that love with her sibling(s).

Thus, the praying, hoping and trying began again. This time I prayed to my Daughter, as well as my Heavenly Father. Lauren took her time finding just the right baby, and after two of the toughest years of my life, we became pregnant again. On March 4th, 2008 we welcomed our son, Andrew Patrick into the world. My Motherhood journey continues. Once again, I find myself engulfed in the exhaustive joy of raising a newborn. Andrew is perfect, as was his big sister, but I'm not partial or anything. I don't even mind it when he cries, for I just
love to hear his voice.

Am I scared? All the time. It's like walking on a lake in December before the really cold weather has set in. You are never quite certain if the ice is safe. However, with each tentative step I move forward, because that is what a Mother does. She holds her breath whenever her child does something new, praying they will be OK. She celebrates when all goes well, and consoles when it doesn't.

In 3 short years, I've experienced the highest joys and most debilitating grief of parenthood. This is what you open yourself up to when you become a Mother. Despite all of the pain, I would not change a moment. I am proud to say that I'm Lauren's Mom and Andrew's Mom. I will forever be a Mother, and for that I'm eternally grateful.